How To Mow Your Yard
(A Special Edition – April Fool’s Day!)
During the late winter/early spring days of 2019, I belonged to a group of men who met every other Tuesday night. This was a time of personal and team uplifting. At the end of each hour and a half, we were given a “heartwork” (homework) assignment, to help us grow in the creativity the Lord had given us, and to share it with the other men at the next meeting.
My writing was completed on April Fool’s Day, after the request was made the week before to develop a procedure for the best way to mow a lawn. The assignment stated that the best processes are to be clear, simple, efficient, and produce a consistently good result. Then we were to share our writing at the next session, and see how many different ways people came up with, to do the same thing.
All as part of how this relates to God always accomplishing His plan, while allowing variation in how some parts of it are completed.
Read it and enjoy. But don’t think about it too much, as I used some creative freedom in my writing. (Unless you want to give it a try later, providing you have a yard to mow!)
How To Mow Your Yard
1. Have on hand or buy a front wheel drive mower. If you are over 60, and haven’t depleted your bank account as yet, buy a rider. That way you can race it during NASCAR season and pick up extra bucks.
2. The wider the cutting blade on your rider the less time will be consumed during your total pleasurable procedure. And you can still count those 10 calories you will burn by just climbing up into the seat, if you are on Weight Watchers.
3. Prior to the mow, fill the gas tank as needed. Be sure to use non-leaded gas, and not diesel. Diesel will smoke up your whole yard and the neighbors will call the fire department.
4. Check the oil stick to make sure it is at the “Full” level before operation. Do not overflow, should you think you need to pour more in. That too will produce heavy black smoke, with a very putrid smell, if lit by the spark plug. Should that occur, go buy a new mower. You will need it.
If you have a “pull start” mower, hold down on the starter handlebar, while pulling quickly back with
the white rope. Be sure to do this in one smooth motion, as you do when pulling in a largemouth bass, with the beautiful boat sitting in your front drive, making your neighbor Greg jealous. But be sure not to overextend yourself when pulling, so as not to waste too much energy. The bass are said to be bigger this year, and you will need your full strength.
6. At most, one or two pulls should start the engine, engaging the blades below deck in a rapid, clockwise motion. Do not attempt to check the speed of the blade rotation, as this could result in serious arm damage. Then your bass season is really shot.
7. If there is a front and back yard, do the front one first, in case it begins to rain, or you are forced to stop due to severe exhaustion (if you don’t have a rider.) Completing the front yard ahead of the rest of the grass (or weeds, whichever case you have) will help your yard look nice enough to beat the annual competitive neighbor named Jim Jones.
It will also keep the HOA (Home Owners Association) off your back, when they drive through the development with their Polaroid camera, checking for grass height. You don’t want yours to be over the allowed 1.68” maximum height level permitted allowance.
8. Mow in a back and forth motion, while keeping your turn around radius to 1.34 ft. Again, this will impress your neighbors with the fine curves of your turns and make your grass extra pretty. Much like the stroke of an artist’s paintbrush.
9. Be sure to have the blade low enough to clip all dandelions at the proper height. Though they look absolutely gorgeous in the spring, the wine you make from the yellow flowers tastes better when correctly cut. Don’t wait until the dandelions go to seed. These tend to get caught between your teeth when sipping on your wine. They ladies won’t like that.
10. Upon completing your full three-hour task, note the 258 calories you burned off in your summer calorie-keeping journal. Then sit down on your back wooden deck, the one that needs a new paint job (next summer is fine), and have a nice glass of Southern home-brewed pink lemonade, or an Arnold Palmer (half lemondade and half sweet tea), depending on your style. You deserve it! But if you rode a rider, then you are only permitted a half glass. Your calorie burn count would have only been 129, due to the foot action on the gas pedal.
Steve MartinNow Think On This #405
April Fools Day (04.01.19)
(originally for my “heartwork” for Men’s Group at church